My Life

We all have but one life, how do we live it?  Does a person stay under the control of another?  When someone makes a promise and breaks it, how does one respond?
For me, it is time for a response.  As if cancer isn't enough.  As if two strokes are not enough.  My brain and heart still function, and when a person aligns himself with destruction, I need to remove myself, in order to protect my own dignity, but most of all, save my children.
There is a time in one's life, when he can either move in the positive direction of life, or entangle himself with vile, evil people and make decisions that have dire consequences.  Some people are not happy in their own lives and find it a challenge to destroy those who have something they do not. Such has been my life, and marriage.  I believed in fairy tales.  I thought that my life could be so much more than that of my parents.  We even made a promise to each other to be better than our parents, but one of us failed.  Turns out, money talks.  Turns out, a woman so hell bent on destruction, wins.  And, her lap dog, thinks he wins too.  Sorry folks, lies do have a way of coming out.  All of the mess that was spewed trying to ruin my credibility as a person and mother, it didn't work.  It only made the two of you look even dumber, and that is an understatement.

I have to write and get this outta my heart and head.  This is the only way I know to heal, or to begin healing.  I feel like a total failure, with a lack of seeing the obvious.  My heart knows the truth, but my head refuses to believe that a person can be so destructive.  Ruin his own family, to spite the nose on his face, and repay the money he has yet again, not managed.

Friend, you made a choice, that choice has consequences.  To lie and manipulate children, that is cruel.  To lie and manipulate the mother of your children, and use the kids, that is just twisted.  What you did, you have to own up to, but you won't.  A man of honor admits his mistakes when he is wrong, and takes the punishment.  A man of honor, proves to his children that he is made of something, and will do everything to protect his family.  You, are not that man.  You are a coward. The friends you keep, they do not have the best interest of your family, but yet you continue to follow along.  A follower.  I am a leader, always have been and always will be.  I do not follow in the shoes of people, I prepare a path to help others along the way.  I am not who you say I am, but there sure is a consensus about who you are, and these people have seen you in action for a long time.  Worst of all, most of those people are your flesh and blood.  Young men, waiting to see their father be a true man.  A young girl, who will look to her father for protection from coward men; but if you are a coward, how do you teach a young man or girl, NOT to be a coward.

I got this!  The fear and heart ache, the pain of losing, the humiliation of being at the bottom with nothing.  It is all lying at my feet, waiting on a response.  My heart wants to yell and scream, but no one listens.  I have lived in an emotionally abusive relationship for years, everyone else knows it, so why hide behind the mask?  Friends know, family knew...but family did nothing to catch a bird with a broken wing, and latched onto the stories.  One who is talking the loudest, is usually the one with his secrets.  I have all your secrets now!  You have been exposed, and only the truth will come out of my mouth.  While you are off fighting a battle that you will probably win, cause stuff happens for stupid people, and people who wish to hide, well, they just take the pain.

I think you forget, my diagnosis gave me a whole new attitude on life.  If you are not in it, you are out.  You have chosen to lie, and there is no other way to put it.  A downright lie.  You always have a saying, "you can fool the fans, but not the players", that is exactly how you operate.  You are a liar to the face of those you work with, trying to get ahead in this game called life.  Not happy with anything that you have been blessed with: a home, beautiful children, and a job that is more than what you deserve (talking about the hand that feeds you, not a good character trait).

You have forgotten that I am strong.  You have forgotten that I have people in my life that love me, and want to see my children at peace.  You have seriously lost all focus on what is good and noble. Once again aligned with malice, a choice you can try to convince our children is "necessary". Enough is enough.  At the end of the day, I have a beautiful life.  Children that will do whatever is necessary to help provide, where you left off.  And, my friends.

Friends...the strings holding me together.  Letting me know I am not alone.  Those who know the truth; who have known the truth.  No more hiding, no more fear of what can happen to me.  Use my facebook posts, use whatever you can to try and diminish me, so you look bigger.  I do not look for fame and glory.  I do not use other people, and lie to them to get anything!  I will not hide behind fear of you any longer.  You are weak and I am strong; she is weak and I am even stronger.  Why?  God is on my side.  Ya'll have a snowball's chance in hell of being happy.  I have never seen such dysfunction in my life.  Going to such great lengths to avoid the truth; luckily I do not choose heaven and hell for people!

The kids and I are ok.  We will be ok.  The last two years were hell...I thought it had ended.  After reading a "note" today, that my son wrote...it was painfully clear that this behavior has been going on a long time.  Remember the "squash" incident, and how you joked about it during the divorce.  That hurt me, but not because of me, because you are so arrogant and misguided, that you thought telling a joke, about a time when you hurt our children, was funny.  And, the funnier thing, the text came to me by mistake.  I believe in second chances; sometimes even third and fourth chances.  I believed that I could love you more than the vile people who gave birth to you.  Every single one of them petty and jealous.  Three siblings not talking to each other, and while their mother lay dead, I witnessed one of the most ignorant interactions...and so did our kids.  Hate is a strong word, but that woman has done nothing but fill our lives with chaos.  She has been selfish since the beginning.  She never got her way, when it came to me, and she has waited for the day to divide our family.  The same woman who said we didn't need any more kids, and was a witness to another family member calling our child a ni**er!  I could start twenty or more sentences with, "the same woman", but why?  She is out of my life, the best part of the divorce!  She is out of the childrens' lives, and quite frankly did not really make an effort to step up.  Too busy with her boyfriends!  Too busy with her animals, gross and smelly!  She really gives new meaning to the phrase, old cat lady, with ten dogs.  I hope that is where you are living, in filth.  The smell of shit and animals, you deserve nothing less!  I hope that every day, that you do not call or text, or spend time with your kids, that you have a miserable day.  I hope you see happy families, and daddies with their babies, knowing that your chances YOU ruined.

You like to tell people the divorce was all my doing.  That I up and left with another man; I am sorry but I won't let you tell my story.  Now, the truth is out.  You are not what you pretend to be, but I am going to sit and prepare for my life, all the while you try and lie about who you are.  I won't lie.  I will not hide in the shadows of guilt and humiliation any longer.  I am a good person.  I was a devoted wife and mother for well over 20 years, and your unhappiness is what led us to this fork in the road. Mean words, mean actions...you crossed the line.  And I am done trying to figure out how I can do things differently, how I can change my behavior to accommodate yours.  Done.  I have life left within me, and as long as I do, I am going to be happy.  I am going to fight this disease like a warrior because my children need me!

You, you keep on doing what you are doing.  Your choice has been made.  You have had four weeks to tell the truth; now it is not in your best interest?  Yeah, well let's see how that bodes for you on the judicial side.  It didn't fair really well in this house, because brick by brick, plank by plank, you are revealing who and what is important.  I do NOT lie to my kids, and I do NOT use them or speak negatively about you to them, there is no need.  You do all the damage yourself.  I will be right here with my kids, picking up the pieces, hugging them, and loving them til my time is up.  And then, every detail of my death, including the money, is in the hands of someone that I know without a doubt, I can trust and she believes and trusts in me!

I am not sure when the pain and hurt will subside, but I do know that now is the time that I have to find the strength to fight.  Not physically, this is a battle that has no violence.  It is a battle to live, because I want more than anything to continue to be the rock that my children depend on.  I WILL, and have already exceeded being a better mother than both women "mothers" in my life!  They are both out of my life, one will NEVER regain entry...one I still hold out hope, but know that is also a losing battle.

Thanks for the clarity.  Thanks for the cry.  Thanks for letting us all down.
Your best interest was your family, the truth would have been a whole lot more cost effective, and would have preserved the family, to try and continue to heal.  The lie has cost you, a true good woman.  Who knows how the lie will continue to hurt our family, but you keep it up, cause lies and deception, well...you are working with the right woman to get that accomplished.  I have nothing to fight, but you will not drag my name through mud again.  I will not allow you to continue to destroy our family.

Four weeks, and nothing but a defense. A lie.  Using my illness as an excuse for bruises, lifting bullshit memes from my Facebook page, it all makes you look desperate.  In four weeks, minimal time with your kids.  The girl cries, she doesn't know the truth, one child I can protect from you and the vile woman.  Cries for her daddy, not knowing that his choices are separating her from him.  A child that we rescued, or hearing your side of the story, it was all my idea.  That is fine, cause it makes you look even dumber.  I do things that I feel God has called me to do, while this situation is much better than what her life would have been, it is less than ideal.  It is not what I had chosen for her; a child would ideally need two parents, but in this case, she will clearly be loved.  Her brothers love her more than their own lives, they are young men of honor.  Three boys who step up to take care of their mother, and their sister, are worth more than gold.  And, ya'll missed it.  Missed the years that could have bonding experiences, with utter stupidity.  The time that you were given with me, all gone in an instant. Promised to take care of me and be with me til the bitter end; well, preserving your dignity with non-relevant people, that choice is the one that is giving me the opportunity to see how much "love" really exists.  A second stroke, and you are no where around...your own actions and choices.  Saying you were sorry, would have gone a long way in these circumstances.  Admitting that a problem exists, and working to resolve those issues, well you blew that!  Trying to manipulate me into getting an order lifted...it doesn't work like that.  First of all, I will tell the truth, not a good situation for you at all.  I am done being silent.  I am done acting like it doesn't happen to people like me. Anger, resentment, jealousy...not me, but definitely you.  Holding onto the past, and not letting it go.  Not admitting the mistakes that led up to me leaving you, but instead making a case against me!?  Reading my private messages, private because my friends on the other end, they are my friends, and maybe they do not want you to know their struggles.  Copying my facebook page, my pics, my anything, to try and prove I am unfaithful, or unworthy.  Do you want to win?  Do you want to prove those things?  They do not exist, sir.  I am faithful and worthy, you are digging for something that will not exist.  I gave you my love and my life, and this is what I have in return?  Someone who will stop at nothing to prove he is "right", when clearly he has been wrong for a long time.  You win.  Whoever is listening to you, either send them to the source, me or keep my name outta your mouth.  I always thought winning meant you got something extraordinary, so if I continue to think like that, I am the winner!  Extraordinary are my kids!  I live for nothing more and nothing less.  You live for drama, and chaos.  Well, you got it!  Drama is having anything to do with her, and chaos is the mess that you will have to deal with during your proceedings.  This is your ball of wax; I asked for the truth, you refuse to admit any wrong doing, so keep it up!  Your family was at stake, I think you proved tonight, we are at the back of the line.  Your hands are tied, and your choices leave you where you are.  Quite frankly, with the exception of the stroke, this has been a fairly peaceful four weeks.  No drama, no drunk.  Just the kids and I!  They have stepped up to the plate to fill in, and are doing a wonderful job.  Never mind our oldest thinks his life is on hold...I am kicking him out!  He needs not take on your responsibility; he needs to go and live his dreams.  That is what we do for our children.  They have been called stupid and brainwashed, by our entire family. Who does that?  What kind of father allows for that to happen, oh I know, one who told people those stories.  One person who told other people that I was a bad mother, my kids do not do school work, that I am a liar and a drug and alcohol addict, and blame other people.  OH NO, I do not blame other people!  I am totally to blame for not realizing the damage that damaged people can do.  For trusting people I knew would let me down!  This is all me!  I claim the award for dumb love; PollyAnna as a friend calls me!  I try to find the best in people and work with that, in this current situation, I cannot find any good in the people that I am dealing with.  That is sad.  But, I do not have to do another thing, and can be rid of the whole mess of them and never look back.  I try to do the right things as a mother, because who wants to be a single mother?  Who wants to look at their kids, and admit she is at the lowest in her life, and does not know what to do.  This is what happens when someone is allowed to control and manipulate another human being.  We become so used to the control, and do not realize that it is really happening.  It is time for my truth.  It is time for me to live a peaceful life with my children, and get all drama out!  There is enough sadness and ugly people in this world, I beg God to rescue my kids from this, beg Him to take away the cancer.

The other truth is, I am really sick.  I do not want pity, and people say the dumbest things to someone with a progressive form of cancer.  No, there is not a cure.  No, I do not know when I am going to die.  No, being on chemo everyday is NOT a good thing.  Yes, I have my advance directives completed, yes my will is up to date now, and yes someone who is close to me, is helping me realize, I CAN DO THIS!

At this time, I sit and wait.  A game of chess, who will make their next move.  Well, for now, I am recuperating and getting stronger.  Once PT starts, I will be on my way to walking better than ever, and if I can't, I will still get stronger!  Disability is in progress, as is selling my life insurance to pay for my expenses now, so the children do not have to worry.  I want my time spent loving my kids, enjoying life, and loving my friends.  There is nothing more important than love, we get one chance in life.  One life because we are all born dying.  I have had a good life, but now is the time to step up my game, and be happier.  Learn to live everyday in the moment, because your last interaction with me, could be the last one.  I do not take that lightly.  I want to make memories, happy ones, with people who love me and my kids.  I know where they are, it is a matter of getting to them, and bringing along all this medical crap!  God will provide the way, if I didn't believe in Him, I would be a crumpled mess on the floor all day.

The latest stroke left me a heap of slobbering and vomiting when we reached the hospital.  Unable to care for myself, Renee spent the entire weekend with me. No complaining.  No saying she had somewhere else to be, nothing but pure love for me and my kids.  And Mandy, a mess living in Alabama, worrying about me constantly, was by my side too.  Taking me to the bathroom, showering me, feeding me, and filling in the things I could not remember, those are friends.  I wish you had friends like mine...they have loved you too, but you have shown them your true self.

When I write this, I wish to have the slightest hope that I am wrong, but I am not.  "It is what it is", to quote you.  Melonie and I always said, "it is what you make it", and I find this the most accurate of the two statements.  It doesn't ever have to be "what it is", it has to be what you make of it.  The worst circumstances have something to teach us, and we can make them truly valuable teaching lessons or blame, karma or life.  I choose to make it what it is...happy, healthy, harmony.  Nothing less.

Another Day...One Week

It has been one week since TIA number 2; a slow week, and walking is coming along well.

It is hard to imagine never walking properly again, so my goal is to keep it moving every day.  I will start therapy soon, three times a week.  I am excited.  This will allow me to get out and socialize, and get my body back in motion.

Looking forward to a beautiful Sunday.

What I do With My Time...Photography

Sharing my photography that is for sale on EyeEm!  I am so excited to find an outlet for my photographic work!

Cara Lynn McLaughlin

Twice is NOT so nice!

As soon as I get my heart set on writing and organizing and whatever else, my body decides it has other plans.  Another TIA on Feb. 12th, 2016.  Yes, that is 2 times in 3 months, that was my reaction as well.

This time the damage increased slightly; decreased movement in both legs, and I am currently using a walker to regain strength of my legs, with the right leg having more mobility problems that the other!

Using a walker; a humbling experience.  The ability to walk, on my own, completely unassisted, is the goal!  The week before, so much stress.  Stress I do not even wish to discuss; but that lead me to the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and stress.  I cannot blame my brain, it has been on overload.

We know that stress can have the capacity to bring on another episode, so why stress, right?  Not so easy on this roller coaster called, life.  We are hanging in there, and the kids are doing a fantastic job stepping up and doing what is necessary to help me.  Another humbling, or should I say humiliating time in my life.  Dependent upon my teen boys to help me relearn what I have lost, take care of my daily needs, and keep a positive attitude so that our precious little Lizzy, does not fully comprehend how stressful it really is on the rest of us.

We are doing it!  With the help of some of the best friends a girl can ask for; and the prayers of the community and my friends, it is the best feeling in the world.  It gives me a sense of peace that people are fighting for me, even some I do not know.

Wherever this disease takes me, I do know that I will not be alone, even when I feel hundreds of miles away from everyone!  Mentally, physically, and emotionally, away from everyone.  Just part of the process; dealing with cancer, it's reality.

Well, off to finish the forms that will direct everyone in what to do with me, if I am unable to speak for myself.  A very prayerful time of discernment.  To some it seems morbid, to me, it is a part of the acceptance process.  Live like you are dying, but also live like you are alive!  You have to mesh the two, especially when you leave a legacy behind.